This Web I Weave
by Here's Your Cheese Omelette
Summary: Life was never 'good' for Edward Elric. As a sinner with TWO huge mistakes, he thought he could never deserve happiness. M to be safe. Implied EnvyxEd.


**A/n**: Here's another fic for you. My first try in the FMA fandom for fics. This was done after updating my blog (again), so expect it to be unhappy and bad.

Other than that, go ahead and read it. Please review afterwards.

**Warning**: Implied sexual abuse, yaoi, self loathing...blah.

**Disclaimer**: Full Metal Alchemist (the anime, the new anime and the manga) are not mine. I love Envy though.

**Beta'd by**: Denzel

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**This Web I Weave**

by

Here's Your Cheese Omelette

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My first sin was trying to bring back my mother. I knew her death was unchangeable, yet still, I tried. I had clung to that one thread of hope that was in my father's books— that she could come back. It was foolish. I brought back a monster. She was nothing like our mother. Horrible and horrifying, I didn't want to look at what we created.

I could always say that I was just a kid; I had an excuse to be stupid.

But every stupid act had consequences. And the result of my actions could not be settled by a mere 'I was just a kid' bullshit excuse.

_Alphonse..._

My younger brother, who did nothing wrong, suffered the most for something I decided and forced him to do.

It would have only been my leg gone, while he would have disappeared completely. And all for the sake of that bloody monstrosity—!

_Damn it._

The biggest mistake of my life caused more damage to everyone around me than to myself.

Sometimes, I wish I could just roll over and die.

So many times, when I think alone, am I tempted to just give up; but what would happen to Al? He's keeping such hope that he will return to his body— he's making a list of what to eat and everything.

If I just selfishly surrender, who will bring Al what he deserves— a body, a life, a chance to be happy for once?

I know he's not happy with a life like this! Who could? Yet he doesn't hate me. Why, Al? Why?

Why don't you hate me?

After all I've done to you?

We may only have each other left, but you never hated me for ruining things for you. That's no reason to trust me so much. There's no reason to put so much faith in a brother like me. If I even still have the right to be your older brother...

Arrrgh!

OH JUST _FUCK_ THIS ALL TO HELL GOD_DAMNIT_! This... This is just bullshit! There's no fucking way he could still be happy!

I mean, I got the better end, yet I fucking hate life!

And I have no right to! After all, I'm the idiot who did a damn good job of screwing it all up.

_God._

I haven't cursed this much in a while...

Envy must really be getting to me.

It's funny actually—this part of my life.

A sinner, constantly chasing after sins, for reasons other than what the military thinks.

I wonder how the Colonel would react if he finds out.

My—Edward Elric's—second biggest mistake.

It wasn't that I slept with the enemy, but rather that I enjoyed it and continue to long for it. I shouldn't crave for the abusive nature in our games, nor the pain that comes with the sex, but I'm completely and utterly addicted to it like a drug.

Perhaps I think that I deserve to be punished. No. I **do** deserve to be punished. The shame of sleeping with not only my enemy, but my half-brother as well, coupled with the agonizing pain as he whips me before entering me in deep, rough, harsh thrusts...

They all make my mind go wild.

But what horrifies me the most, and hurts me the worst, and _shames_ me, most of all, is that despite my torture and guilt, there is a tiny spark of warmth in my chest, that makes me realize that perhaps, maybe... just maybe...

I was attracted to the sin just enough for me not to refuse his advances.

Perhaps despite my undeserving of any happiness, I fell in love.

And that makes the abuse that much less abusive...

...

The rustling next to me let me know that my bedmate was preparing to leave. Ever since our first encounter in a dark alley, I requested Alphonse and I to sleep in separate rooms, knowing it would not be the last.

I knew Al was hurt that I did that, but I would rather die than have him discover my little night time activities.

Would he hate me?

I keep saying how it's so unfair he doesn't get angry, but with me keeping this hush-hush, does that mean that I don't actually want him to be mad at me?

This is all so confusing.

I hear my window open and glance to see Envy smirking triumphantly at me. He gives me a sneer as he mutters a good bye of some sort, before disappearing out the window.

I didn't bother to look where he went. I knew he would just be back the next day, ready for another round of this painful game I got myself into.

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**A/n:** I hate this. It's horrible, confusing and makes absolutely no sense. Yet I bothered to have this beta'd and posted. I'm an idiot.

**BC**: No it's not, Minki. For a pairing I'm not fond of, I actually enjoyed reading this fic :D I italicized some stuff coz I felt like it, if it's fine with you.

The break at the end of the story was great! It kept up with the mood and feel of the fic in itself. Don't worry, it wasn't confusing or anything. It was actually quite interesting, the way you sequenced things, haha. Keep it up again! You're really improving in strides. I did take out the multiple !!!!!!s though. I'm just OC about that.

**A/n:** Please review!


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